Memoirs of a bar steward: Introduction

Thursday 25 February 2010

Introduction

Name: Jacob Hank Cox

Age: 18 years old

D.O.B: 26th November 1981

Occupation: Student

Home: Birmingham

Family: Twin: Miller Hugh Cox age 18 (Born 1981)

Brother: Clint Lincoln Cox age 17 (Born 1983)

Sister: Marie Louise Cox age 10 (Born 1990)

Mother: Ivy Beryl Cox age 48 (Born 1952)
(O’Shea maiden name)

Father: Johnny Paul Cox age 45 (Born 1955)

Pet Dog: Trix’s (The Devil) Cox age 10 (Born 1990)

Introduction

I have decided to keep an online blog (diary) now that I have got a brand new laptop computer, which my best friend Curly (actual name Michel Butler) kindly got for me on the cheap last weekend. I would get a real diary but if my brother Miller found it he would denounce me as a homo butt plugger on the grounds of the diary being concrete proof (hence why I also could not and never can buy a Take That CD!). I also like the idea that people online can follow where I am going in life, because I think I will be going far! So these ‘accounts of my days’ are not only for me, but for future generations of Cox’s and all those interested in my great adventure through the years to greatness.

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My family consists of a mother whose business involves beating the living pootang out of people and sticking their pet’s heads up where the sun doesn’t shine. A ratty face Father who's in the business of running up debt and then running away; a rule dodging, carefree identical twin who is the exact opposite of my good self in every way; and a younger brother, Clint, whose sole purpose in life is to point out all of my failings while acting like he's God's gift to everything. And last but not least, my psychotic 10 year old sister who 10 years ago I feared just might be more crazy and dangerous than the whole lot of my family put together.

However, my rise to greatness came to a abrupt halt when my family made the sudden and suspicious move from Birmingham down to Devon to take over a pub, and I was given the choice, go to university or come and run the new family business, a bar in a ‘thriving’ holiday town. Instead of doing the right thing and telling my family to take a hike, I was blinded by the possibilities of fast money, women and a springboard to success, but I soon learnt that my family had no intention of letting me run the show. To make the business a success I had a fight on my hands. This included stopping my twin Miller from driving away all of the female staff and customers with his loose loving; preventing Clint from stealing all of my glory with the rubbish ideas that everyone else blindly thought were brilliant and trying to figure out what my sister Marie was up to before she brought a whole skip of shit on us all.

The new pub wasn’t the instant easy success my Dad promised us all it would be either, as the figures he was given by the previous landlord turned out to be utter crap. We only had a small amount of money to keep us going and it was running out fast, so we had to make it work ultra quick or else we were all going to be heading back to Brum, and it soon became apparent that we had moved away to escape a lot of nasty people who were after numerous members of my family. I had a whole load of plans to save us all but they were kinda hindered by a few misfortunate incidents, well major bloody disasters really but I won’t spoil your read by telling you want now. You’ll just have to trust me when I say that my plans did go off with a bang, but not the sort I had hoped for.